puppy dog eyes

Today my therapist asked me, “Do you believe in treating people poorly?” She knew my answer so I was silent. Then she asked, “So why do you punish yourself? Punishment is believing that treating people badly will result in good behavioral changes.”

I was raised to view punishment as a teacher but now it finds a way into my life to remind me that I’m a piece of shit. It feels very holy to feel like a piece of shit. I fall back on rethinking situations and evaluating how I could’ve been kinder, wiser, and smarter until all I can see is a blurry vision of myself that is riddled with failure.

After a week of feeling like giving up on myself, I saw my friends. I never really take photos but on this rare occasion, both Addie & Chris took pictures of me. The disconnect between this rotting view I had of myself and how they saw me was shocking. It’s a weird reality that the people that love you look at you and feel hope and healing while we look at ourselves and feel disdain and mistrust. I’m my own most consistent ally, I was there when I was ten and decided to try Ashley Tisdale’s makeup line. Maybe that’s what makes it most difficult? I was also there that same year when I called my brother fat. Maybe it would be a bit more simple if we could all just see the full picture.

You probably look so peaceful when you sleep. We can’t be sure, of course. But it’s safe to assume given the fact that most people look beautiful and calm when they’re in a different world.

And it has to be true that when you’re dancing with friends they look over and smile because your ease makes them feel free.

How do you look on week 18 of recording your show about the NFL? You look 10 feet tall and funny. You’re brave and careful with every step you take.

What about when you’re focusing on work? God, I’m sure you look so inspired. And if not, you must at least look resilient. It takes so much resilience to sit at your computer every goddamn day.

And when you see a call coming in from someone you love that you weren’t expecting? Your voice goes up a few octaves and suddenly this little surprise in your day reminds you of your expansive heart and why you decided to love yourself in the first place.

I remember looking over at you when you were driving, that first time you took me in your car. How can someone have a face both so soft and so hard? God, you’re so beautiful. When you’re driving I get to look at you for free without undergoing the intimacy of a shared gaze. I am filled with more love everytime.

I bet you look perfect in the grocery store. You’re largely anonymous, but you wear those cute jeans and your long hair follows you like a little friend. I like your long fingers and bright-colored nails. I notice you with your perfect little grocery list and your interest in buying me a treat.

How do you look challenging the beliefs of your family while still living ten minutes away from them? You look kind and patient. You know they’ll never see it, but the truth is worth it to you. I idolize you for it.

How about when you’re on a therapy call? With every intention of knowing yourself, feeling warm, and being a palatable young woman. I know you’re the first and only person in your bloodline to take those calls. A history of mental illness and you love us enough to put an end to those patterns. God, I love you.

And how, how do you look in the eyes of your younger brother, older sister, best friends, Grammy? You look like a god. You are comfort and warmth and security. You are now that in your own eyes too. You make us feel so safe. We can’t imagine life without you.

How do you look after moving back to New York? Grounded. You’ve always looked so grounded. Your skin is clear and soft and you keep adding things to your room. You have an investment in yourself that makes other people feel safe.

How do you look when you’re angry? You look scary, to me. But deserving. Deserving of full emotion and the safety to feel what we have always been meant to feel.

And we haven’t even talked about the way you look holding your nephew. Or a little puppy. Innocence in your hands and you take care of it. You are a good steward of life and it fascinates me. Not everyone has that part of them, but I’m glad you do.

And how do you look running your own company? If I’m honest, cool. You make everything look easy even though I know it’s not. You make room for the people you love. You feed us. You’re a rock to so many and that didn’t stop when you graduated high school.

I hope you see everything today. There’s no amount of self-doubt that makes you a good person.