For this episode of Butter, I want to share the story of my car accident from my POV today and what I wrote the day after it happened, unedited. Thanks for listening <3
August 15, 2023
On a sunny September morning, I skipped the gym for the dentist. I did the classic “phone, keys, selfie with my cat” and kissed Chris goodbye on my way out. I felt lucky to be alive.
^the aforementioned selfie with my cat that morning.
I was about a mile into my drive when I made a left turn and a very sweet man going about 35mph over the speed limit crashed into me.
One miscalculation, pure impact. Car spinning. Pressure on my body. Black. I was unconscious for an unknown amount of time but when I woke up, I called Chris. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I had all my limbs but I knew I wanted to talk to Chris.
Our conversation felt like ripping skin off with exclamations at the end of every sentence. I almost lost my life. Chris almost lost the girl he loves. Is that blood on my airbag?
Eventually, a firefighter opened my door. He asked if I was ok. I answered by returning the question. He helped me out of my car and sat me on a curb. I couldn’t remember my own phone number or address.
At the hospital, they put me in a room with other people that had been in car accidents similar to mine. They weren’t able to text their Moms like I was. I was sent home when the doctors realized I was the lucky one.
When I got home, still dazed, I felt as if I was a visitor. I saw a note Chris had written me that morning, “I love you so much, you little heaven bug!” I saw pictures of our friends in photo booths. I saw Julian’s drawings. I knew the people who lived in this home were happy. All the nights we sat in our office and laughed together, the happiness only we know we share, was much more obvious than I thought.
A while passed. It was still hard to remember. It was still hard to speak. I went through the motions of getting healthier, but nothing really stuck. I found myself forgetting what I wanted to say while I was saying it. My head physically throbbed when I tried to write a grocery list. I used to be smart. Now I just felt sad.
It got to the point where I was recommended a specialist. Days were passing, and healing was not coming.
I was nervous to go to the neurologist. I was afraid they’d look inside me and see the brain of genius… something close to what my forefather, Alexander Graham Bell, was equipped with. Then what? I have to leave advertising and invent tons of shit? THAT WOULD SUCK.
Lucky for me, after a series of questions and physical tests, the doctor said I have at least, “a traumatic brain injury much more severe than a concussion but less severe than a vegetable state.”
I did what any high-functioning person would do and ran to Starbucks. If I no longer had a very good brain, I should have a coffee that reminds me that mediocrity is oftentimes successful.
And by the way, what’s the right thing to do in a situation like this? Text your friends, “LOL that car accident I was in created lasting damage in my brain and my doctor’s really not sure how bad it is yet” or do you go along without telling people until they notice you’ve become kinda rotten?
Personally, I did a mix of the two. After the past couple years, I figured a brain injury text might be among the more minor crises I’ve sent via sms.
The next call I got from the doctor asked me to come in for an EEG. I politely obliged even though it required I fast from coffee.
The EEG technician was a fellow writer, so the whole thing was kind of fun. It was dark and he was shining lights in my eyes. Again, I was pretty sure that after monitoring my brain waves the result would be at a minimum, “just fine” and at best, “brilliant, America’s Next Top Model.”
This time my record-high standards were shattered and it stung in a new way. The doctor called and we spoke for five minutes. He told me my EEG came back, “impeccably irregular.” He told me I was averaging countless seizures a day. He told me I had developed epilepsy from my accident. He told me he was worried, “something more” was going on.
Mackenzie texted me that week to check in and I responded something like“lol I am worried I have a brain tumor.”
It was after that that I started noticing flashing lights in my eyes, sudden loss of vision, and the feeling that I was a worm that needed to sit down as soon as possible.
In the midst of all this, I was laid off (aka lost my access to health care) and I was also planning a wedding that I had dumped the majority of my savings into. Pretty major hurdles in terms of getting an MRI and seizure medication. I always know the experience of “family” to be something that I miss out on, but during this time it felt rubbed in my face. Most days I wasn’t sure how to escape.
I eventually figured out the MRI and got results a few days later. I was alone in my kitchen when I saw, “Adult female- Normal MRI.” I knelt down and cried. For a moment there, I thought I was going to go back into the gumball machine and pop out with new hair, new ideas, new family, new lover. After my calculations, I realized I didn’t want to retry. I wanted to keep going in this life.
My “normal” brain and I see things much differently now. I know that one day the MRI will not be normal. I know that one day I will not walk back into the apartment. I know I’ll hover above it. I won’t be afraid of losing Chris, I’ll just be glad I was such a big part of his movie. I’ll see Syd and miss her cooking. I’ll be so grateful that Jordan texted me when he was falling in love. I’ll remember every secret Kami has told me. I’ll see my cats and hope they can find it in their hearts to love another lil lady. I’ll cherish every moment that I spent inside my mind, writing for fun in my closet as a kid. I’ll be astonished that in this life I was Che’s daughter.
And even the terrible things will feel beautiful because they made up my life.
Below is what I wrote the day after my car accident, when I struggled to remember my own birthday, unedited.
September 28, 2022
The day after I almost died it was really hot. I can’t believe I could’ve missed such a hot day. Maybe I’d even miss the sweat.
The day I almost died I walked into my home. I saw a sticky note next to the fridge that said, “I love you heaven bug.” I felt like I was watching someone else’s life. All I really know is the people that live here are happy. The laughs are so obvious even when it’s quiet.
The day I almost died Ruby picked me up to take me to the hospital. She looked pretty and concerned and we drank pineapple smoothies.
The day I almost died my friend sent me some money for breakfast and my belly felt the warmth of, “I’m glad you’re here.”
The day I almost died I kissed Chris on the lips. Before I almost died I remembered having worries about other things, but not anymore. I just want to be with Chris on a rock. This rock.
I don’t feel like I belong to the “living” the way I previously had. This club of people that get to watch all the earth as it spins- I can’t believe I almost missed it. One day, it will come for me and I know even that will be ok.
But I’d leave so many things behind.
No one would know that Chris hates
Or have the memories of Kami’s childhood
Or Venmo Jeff $10 when he needs it
My Mom would miss her friend
and fuck, I’d miss Celeste